A Place of Freedom
A place of Destiny
What will result when the two clash
Awaken the chaos within
The point where light and dark converges
Dear Heavenly Father what is my worth to You?
Today’s sermon is so powerful… So much so that I just wept… My heart and soul cried so hard, that even Adrian felt it. Losing someone who is considered to be my world is something that no one can understand unless they have gone through the same thing. I really loath those who came to me and said “I understand how you feel”, I do have the urge to just shoot back at them saying “How could you understand how I feel, your parents are still by you.” I may say that the past is past but that scar in my heart can never heal. Even till now, I still can’t find the courage to look at my mom’s tome.
The guilt and pain I felt when I saw her lifeless body is something that I can never forget. In that past that I lived, you can consider my mom as my god and idol. So you must understand my pain, it is not something just any tom, dick and harry can know and understand. That week where she passed away, I was in such bad shape that everyone had to force me to eat, to drink… I cried till I had no more tears, I put on a mask to shield myself from the world. It was 3 friends or should I say idiots (hahaha) who took me out the Friday of that week, made me drink so much alcohol till I was just lying beside jem’s toilet bowl… In all, that night alone, I think I drank more than 2 liters of beer and half a bottle of vodka and martini.
But even drowning myself in these, even living my life on the line of life and death, I still cannot find any comfort or release from the pain I felt. I am sure that people would wait for cars to pass before crossing the roads, but in that time, I actually waited for cars to come before crossing. Letting them pass a few cm away from me, doing this let me experience the momentary trill of being alive. Even so, the emptiness still lives in me.
It was only when I fully let myself go to God that I gradually and finally found a lasting peace that does not fade away. Even till now, I still question God, why did He take my mom away from me, why did I have to experience all of that… Even till now, I still have not found the answer. But then I still find peace when I am in church, and it is only in church that I feel that the chains around me loosen. I know that life will end, and I never even mourn my grandfather that long, only my mom. In this sermon, I felt the pain I felt then, but I also felt the warm embrace of God, something that I never felt when my mom left me all alone to face this world. I do want to know how long I have to feel this pain before I can let it go; I wish God would tell me the plan He has for me. I believe that God will walk with me through this life, and He will be faithful to keep His promises to me. And I also know that I can only break my chains with God’s strength, only with God. Nothing this world can offer a lasting peace then in God, although the trill and pleasure it gives is tempting, but it can never compare to the peace I feel in God’s presence.
I really want to thank Adrian for his prayer for me. Although I am still chained and lost, I want to grow in God. I question God; I still want to know my purpose. I no longer can talk to that friend; I feel that we are just drifting apart. And it was though that friend that I could find my way back to God.
Ok enough of the Emo stuff….. Tmr is café duty and I am still here typing….. I tried the new blades I got today and they are way better than I expect…
Anyway…. To Shawn
I really really hate you shawn…. I am going to tie you up and start dropping ur phone…. MUWAHAHAHAHA….. That is for not getting me a ticket for the F1 la
Here is the song