Today’s sermon is so powerful… So much so that I just wept… My heart and soul cried so hard, that even Adrian felt it. Losing someone who is considered to be my world is something that no one can understand unless they have gone through the same thing. I really loath those who came to me and said “I understand how you feel”, I do have the urge to just shoot back at them saying “How could you understand how I feel, your parents are still by you.” I may say that the past is past but that scar in my heart can never heal. Even till now, I still can’t find the courage to look at my mom’s tome.
The guilt and pain I felt when I saw her lifeless body is something that I can never forget. In that past that I lived, you can consider my mom as my god and idol. So you must understand my pain, it is not something just any tom, dick and harry can know and understand. That week where she passed away, I was in such bad shape that everyone had to force me to eat, to drink… I cried till I had no more tears, I put on a mask to shield myself from the world. It was 3 friends or should I say idiots (hahaha) who took me out the Friday of that week, made me drink so much alcohol till I was just lying beside jem’s toilet bowl… In all, that night alone, I think I drank more than 2 liters of beer and half a bottle of vodka and martini.
But even drowning myself in these, even living my life on the line of life and death, I still cannot find any comfort or release from the pain I felt. I am sure that people would wait for cars to pass before crossing the roads, but in that time, I actually waited for cars to come before crossing. Letting them pass a few cm away from me, doing this let me experience the momentary trill of being alive. Even so, the emptiness still lives in me.
It was only when I fully let myself go to God that I gradually and finally found a lasting peace that does not fade away. Even till now, I still question God, why did He take my mom away from me, why did I have to experience all of that… Even till now, I still have not found the answer. But then I still find peace when I am in church, and it is only in church that I feel that the chains around me loosen. I know that life will end, and I never even mourn my grandfather that long, only my mom. In this sermon, I felt the pain I felt then, but I also felt the warm embrace of God, something that I never felt when my mom left me all alone to face this world. I do want to know how long I have to feel this pain before I can let it go; I wish God would tell me the plan He has for me. I believe that God will walk with me through this life, and He will be faithful to keep His promises to me. And I also know that I can only break my chains with God’s strength, only with God. Nothing this world can offer a lasting peace then in God, although the trill and pleasure it gives is tempting, but it can never compare to the peace I feel in God’s presence.
I really want to thank Adrian for his prayer for me.Although I am still chained and lost, I want to grow in God. I question God; I still want to know my purpose. I no longer can talk to that friend; I feel that we are just drifting apart. And it was though that friend that I could find my way back to God.
Ok enough of the Emo stuff….. Tmr is café duty and I am still here typing….. I tried the new blades I got today and they are way better than I expect…
Anyway…. To Shawn
I really really hate you shawn…. I am going to tie you up and start dropping ur phone…. MUWAHAHAHAHA….. That is for not getting me a ticket for the F1 la
Here is the song
# Endless Chaos:: Keith Koh::Deathscythe battled at 10:58 PM
Friday the day i was so ..... Pissed....
Firstly i was pissed off by the stupid sony service guys.. The phone conversation went something like this
Me: I lost my warranty card so why do i have to go to the bloody service centre just to install the chinese software!!!!
SE: It is a control software so
Me: So what!?
SE: It is
Me: You are all just inefficient *hangs up*
......
Had to go all the bloody way to Plaza Sing just get a reprint of my receipt ....
On the way this stupid old fart fell on me and stomped on my toes... Then after that old fart still have the guts to scold me... I just wanted to shoot back at him saying that if i was not standing there, he might just have broken his head....... Why do some old people think that know everything when in actual fact they dont..
Met Clarence, yiting and vic for a steamboat dinner......
I ended up being the idiot eating the from the spicy side la... T_T... Well it was not to bad as compared to the super spicy ramen i had on tuesday....
The rest of the day still sucks big time... But who cares...
The only thing that went well is that i was able to get this song
First....... Still uploading so i am lazy...
Meeting shawn to get my blades and my phone later..... Stupid Sony Ericsson...
Pissed and Tired.... So dont piss me off or ur dead to the power of infinity
Deathscythe :: EternalD :: Keith Koh
# Endless Chaos:: Keith Koh::Deathscythe battled at 9:17 AM
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Spend the day doing my linear algebra at Bishan's Coffee Bean cos the lib chased me out..... Due to my ice blend
This the crap that i spend an hour doing......
Some doodle i decided to do -_-
Then i went back to Ngee ann with Clarence to get his new transcript... I cant believe he can lose his transcript la...
Then the rest of the day is just slack la...
# Endless Chaos:: Keith Koh::Deathscythe battled at 8:28 PM
Monday, September 22, 2008
Hai... Jem is stuck in the hospital..
Well started the study break with some R&R at ECP.. For those who dont know what that means it its East Coast Park... (How long have you been in singapore!!??) With NUS Crusades..
It really was a very fun time, starting the day with roller bladding (for me only)... Cos i bladded from the bus stop at marine parade to ECP... But then i really dont know what is all the hype about roller baldding. All the girls just went berserk when i skate past them to catch up with the group infront...
The thoughs and feelings of a girl is something that is just unfamthomable... Then when everybody gathered, we started the time with some quite moments with God.
Sittting at the edge by the sea, i really felt the masjesty of God... But that beauty is just ruin by humans with the ships and shipyards... What will happend it there comes a day when God takes away all technology and bring us all back to the time when Jesus lived.. Will we be able to live in God's presence without and distraction like what we have now?? From my point of view i would say yes... How will life be when we are no longer distracted by the beautiful clothings, nice cars, new it stuff or for me, new games for PS3, PSP, PS2, WII, GC, NDS, XBOX, 360 and PC.... How will our walk with God be? Can we spend every single minuit with our Maker?
Then after, i rushed all the way back home to shower and change... Cos it is time to check Jem in to hotel NUH today.. Met him at NUH around 3 plus... I dont know what to say about this guy... go to hospital stay still bring laptop and luggage la.. Like really going to hotel lor... Stayed with him till around 8 plus... During the course of the day, I:
Played Cabal on his laptop while he chatted with his gf. Played more Cabal cos he ps me.. Played even more Cabal cos i have to look after his laptop when he went to get dinner Had dinner with Da Jie and Shawn while waiting for Jem little cousin who is working in ward 64 (Jem is in ward 63) Got home and here i am...
This is the start of study break le... Will be going down to Bishan Lib to study from tmr to fri... It is impossible for Keith to study at home.....
Humans are the pollutants of this world... With technology, we destroy the wonders that God created... How will earth fair without us humans around... Only God will know.
Deathscythe :: EternalD :: Keith Koh
# Endless Chaos:: Keith Koh::Deathscythe battled at 11:04 PM
Sunday, September 21, 2008
What is happening to my body???? Last night during my qt, the right side of my chest, just below the ribcage started hurting like never before... So i just ignored it and got to bed... After a long sleepless night, the pain just got intense.... T_T....
Morning: started my spring cleaning sian... I kicked the wall by mistake and now my left little toe is bleeding that was around 10 i think and it is still bleeding now... What the heck, if i dont answer and sms or call it might mean that i have.......... (fill it in with ur imagination)... Last dinner with Jem tonight, hmmm maybe can also have a last supper with him as well...
# Endless Chaos:: Keith Koh::Deathscythe battled at 1:50 PM
Deathscythe :: EternalD :: Keith Koh
Born Mar 27
A Child of God
NUS Computational Biology
A hardcore Console Gamer
Serving God without restrain