I am still in a mess, will You show me the way?
This week’s service was the most heart wrenching and heart breaking sermon that I have ever had. Sitting through the sermon, really made me recall the times I spend with my mom, the time she passed away and the perpetual darkness that I have been engulfed in. Pastor Daniel said that everyone will suffer and die no matter how long we may live, but then I always question God why did He have to take my mom away.
In my life then, my mom was everything to me, she was my world. When she passed away, my world just fell into a perpetual darkness. I have been scolded and was told to let go, but what I went thus is not something others can understand. Some things are easier said than done, the pain I feel is really beyond what I can describe. Jesus said the troubles will come and it may have come for some of us, but what do I do if I am already caught chest deep in this quicksand which is my troubles. People say I don’t listen, that nothing can go in and even my good friend Shawn says I’m just plain crazy. The way I have lived my life was to bring myself so close to death, to experience that thrill. Though it is only temporary but it is something that still let me feel that I am alive, that I have not died that day with my mom.
No one would know the nights I spend crying myself to sleep; the times when I would just myself die of a drug overdose when I am on duty back in NS. What can I do if my heart had been harden but this pain, when it just build a wall around itself to not let it be hurt again? I have tried time and again to try to get out of this path of self-destruction. But then like what pastor said, it just goes back and forth, no one have seen the times when I can be praising God one moment and then just swimming in the ocean of depression the next. I am not the type to ask people for help, but when I do, it means that what I am going thru is already beyond what I can control. It is an endless and vicious cycle that may never end, doubt and guilt will fill my mind, causing me to stray from God and then God would pull me back unto Him and then doubt will come again. Have anyone seen the tears I shed when I listen to praise and worship songs on the bus ride to school? Maybe what I truly need is a shoulder to just cry till my tears dries up, but I don’t know why I can’t do it on a guy’s shoulder even if he is my best friend. The most I can accept is a hug. I have to get rid of this pride of mine.
I have never felt such relieve, even though it is not permanent, when my cell group all prayed for me. I just broke down and cried like I have never cried before. That was my most unglam moment in church. While everyone was praying for me, my legs just felt so weak and if they weren’t around me, I would have just fallen on to my knees. I want to find that higher calling in my life, I am trying to hold on to the cross right now when my emotional sanity is breaking down.
Fervour day :: Our covenant
I am still really affected by the sermon so I wont comment too much.. Here are some of the pics of the whole event.
The Proofs of being in Fervour:
1) Fervourians' Covenant
2) The invitation card
3) The Ticket
4) The Fervour Badge
The place of Fervour Day :: SIM Namly
Waiting for the event to start, doing crazy stuffs and just going crazy and wild.
Here are the post event celebration party and stuff @ lot 1 [After going to the arcade and Winnie owning everyone in daytona (:] aka late night coffee at Macs
The last Pic was taken with my Fervour badge and Clare's i dont know what it is... Hmm but they do look nice side by side.
Then finally off to Jack's place for some rounds of cludo....
Till the wee hours of the morning...
James was at the comp watching dramas i think and play stick man shooters.
We all had fun but were just too tired and there is a pic of Winnie looking really really tired.. And so was i too la. Lol
Today was a really bad day, i rained for half a hour before i met shawn for roller blading... Then it got super sunny... But the floor were just too wet to skate la... Man so i will just have to wait for next sunday... So we ended up going to shaw house for lunch at MOS and then took a walk along orchard to herens and went window shopping... Well i got the 2 disc edition of iron man dvd and wanted to get the sound track for Accuracy of death... Hai... And so here i am blogging...
Lost and Found and Lost Again
God only You will pull me back to You when I am lost and strayed
Please show me the path to Your higher Calling
Please help me end this perpetual darkness and be my light unto the world
Deathscythe :: EternalD :: Keith Koh